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Accepting It

It was hard to accept that my dad was gone. I just could not believe that he had left me. Every emotion that one could feel I felt. I was angry, hurt and afraid. I felt guilty and often questioned myself. Why didn’t you notice anything differently? You should have paid more attention to him! So many thoughts raced through my mind. And the scariest part of it all was that I had no answers. I worried all the time. Can somebody say severe anxiety? I could not eat or sleep. There were days when I couldn’t even get out bed, now that’s depression 101. It took everything in me to get up and get started with my day. It was hard to smile and to be truly happy when daddy’s girl was without her dad. How can I move on from this? What’s next for my family and me? There was an emptiness in my heart that I thought during this time could never be filled again. I felt so lost and so alone. Although I had my wonderful husband and my awesome big boys by my side, they still could not take daddy’s place. My mother is lovely and our relationship is a story all by itself but guess what? She could not help me either. She had lost the only man that she had ever loved and she was grieving too. My brother was also grieving and we tried to help each other but it didn’t work out too good. He needed his time and I needed mine. We all had to deal this in our own way. It was a lot for all of us. Eventually someone special took notice in all my pain. Someone on the outside of our circle. Someone who understood what I was going through. I call her my grief counsel and spiritual mentor wrapped up in one. She reintroduced me to someone and something bigger than you and me. That’s when true healing and change began!!

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